The Ultimate Learning Tool for Gambling on Sports

Every once in a while, I write an article so devoid of purpose that it probably makes everyone scratch their head and say “what the fuck is wrong with this guy?” For one, I’m a grown man pretending to be a cartoon, so that question basically answers itself. But, to add a bit more color, creative writing is something I genuinely enjoy so I make time for it when I can. On top of that, if we’re being completely honest, I really love the mental image I get of the professional people at Dimers opening up this document and wondering why the hell they put up with my shit (shout out to Dimers, I love you guys).

Today, we dive into a topic that has absolutely no value but made me chuckle when I thought about how I could use it, which is this: gambling is a hell of a lot like driving. The first thing that probably pops into your head (which is where this kernel came from) is that it’s a bad idea to do either while intoxicated. But, while most people would have stopped there, my brain went down the rabbit hole and started thinking of all the ways that gambling was similar to driving, and I decided to take up a couple hours on a Saturday afternoon getting those thoughts on paper.

With that, I present to you every possible similarity I could think of between the gambling on sports and driving, with a lot of corny analogies and bad jokes thrown in. you’re welcome and/or I apologize in advance.

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You need to be old enough (but probably not too old)

I’m gonna start off by saying that this doesn’t have anything to do with the government requirements (fuck those assholes). Any 15 year old is old enough to drive or to gamble, and I refuse to hear otherwise. BUT, there probably is an age that’s “too young.” I’m all about early exposure (if it works for vaccines, it works for gambling), but 8 may be a bit premature for either of these activities.

On the other side of the coin, though, be weary of those who are too old. Once you hit a certain point you become a danger (mostly to yourself), and the geriatric man with Alzheimers should avoid throwing money on games with no recollection of who’s playing just as much as he should avoid getting behind the wheel of a massive metal weapon.

Everyone starts off cautious

Remember the first time you got in the front seat, and you drove at 5 miles an hour with hands at 10 and 2? Then, after about two weeks, you were driving with one hand while eating a sandwich with the other… gambling tends to have the same progression. You start off with a small bet or two against a friend for 5 bucks, and the next thing you know you're betting a 12 game NFL parlay for way more money than you should. Life comes at you fast.

It’s about the journey AND the destination

Yes, I corrected the line, because I always thought it was stupid. The journey is important for sure, but where you’re going to is also fucking important. Don't be a fool.

And, just like that long road trip, the journey and destination are important for gambling. Along the way you’ll have a ton of fun and learn a bunch, but the metaphorical destination - making money - is also pretty damn significant. We can have our cake and eat it too (another stupid phrase, now that I think of it)

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Complacency kills

The second you stop paying attention you’re putting yourself at risk. Most of us have probably checked our phones while driving at some point or another (possibly to check a bet) and almost ended up off the road in a ditch. Similarly, as soon as you stop putting the time in or worse, think you have everything figured out, you’ll end up in a bad spot when you gamble. Eyes on the damn road!

Avoiding potholes is important, but easier said than done

As someone who grew up in the Boston area, I’m a bit of an expert on potholes. Between the snow plows and ice we have more than our fair share, and you have to expect them at any turn. But, while you can try your best, you’ll inevitably hit one and just pray the tire doesn’t burst.

To continue the obvious and droning metaphor, you’ll hit more than your share of rough patches when betting on sports (in fact, you’ll lose a lot), but most of the time you just gotta power through and stay on course. I’m not sure what the equivalent of a flat is sports betting, but you can use your imagination.

Be defensive

Every middle aged woman teaching a driving school class tells you the same boring advice: “always drive defensively.” And, while it seems silly, it’s more profound than you think. Rather than playing chicken on the highway or letting road rage get the better of you, the best approach is probably to stay safe and avoid a nuclear issue (like death, you can literally die in a car).

Now, being preachy about gambling in an article comparing drivers to bettors may ring a bit hollow, but I have zero shame so I’m throwing it right in. Sure, the crazy parlays and high risk picks may seem fun, but most of the time they’re a recipe for disaster. Grind it out with safe bets and you’re more likely to make it to your end point in one piece.

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A chauffeur can be useful

I suppose “Uber” would be more appropriate these days, but chauffeur fits the analogy better so here we are. Just like there are times when you need someone to drive you, a “gambling chauffeur” may also be a smart idea. Many people don't have the time (or the skill) to be good gamblers, and there are loads of options - from paid discords to strategy sites to podcasts - that can give you bets without having to do any of the work yourself.

Whether you just need the extra time in the back seat to work on a project, or you’re a hazard because you suck at driving, letting someone else take the wheel can be a good decision.

Be careful who you trust

On the opposite end of the spectrum, everyone has a friend who’s an incredibly bad driver or gambler. Just like you avoid ending up in that person’s back seat as a matter of safety, knowing to avoid Mike’s text with a “lock” (or even fading it) is a smart skill to learn. Help can be a good thing, but make sure it’s the right help.

Everyone can do it, but very few reach the pinnacle

There are drivers, and then there are DRIVERS. Most people aren’t qualified or skilled enough to make it on the pro circuits with F1 or NASCAR, and most gamblers don’t make a living on betting (or even make a profit in the long term).

That’s not necessarily a bad thing; the same way driving is a means to an end for most of us, so is gambling. You probably aren’t going to pay your bills with profits, but you can use those sharp picks to grab a few bucks and have some fun, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Every bettor goes through good runs and bad runs, but how you deal with those streaks will define your success as a gambler.@prospector_sam details how you should act when you're on a streak, whether it's hot or cold ⛏https://t.co/8CdzNQUXa0

— Dimers.com (@DimersCom) July 5, 2022

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