Prospector Sam - What Drink Matches Your Betting Habits?

Every once in a while, an idea for an article pops into my head that feels bizarre even for me (which, as my consistent readers know, is a really high fucking bar). Normally, I tuck those thoughts away in a deep, secure part of my brain where they won’t get out, because some things are better left unsaid. The internet can only handle so much of me, if we’re being honest. Unfortunately, there are days when my poor judgment gets the better of me and I scratch the metaphorical itch to write one of those weird articles. Sometimes they come out brilliant, sometimes not. I guess you can decide here.

Today, your favorite Prospector is going to guide you through two subjects he knows very well; gambling and drinking. Not so crazy, you think, since most gamblers are drinkers and the two are often paired together. And that’s a position I certainly agree with. Then I saw one of those weird ads where a mid 30s white woman insists that she can tell you exactly what wine you should buy based on a 5 question online quiz and I thought “what if I could pair your gambling with your drinking.” And BOOM, the nugget for this article came to life.

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Normal people probably read those last couple of sentences and think this is a fairly straight forward exercise. A long Sunday of drinking and gambling means light beer and a heavy dose of snacks, while late night degenerate gambling means some shots and other bad decisions. It’s a fair assumption to make (though, you know what they say about assumptions), but that would make for a rather boring and predictable article. No, today I’m going to be pairing your alcohol with the type of bet you make; think ML, parlay, prop, etc. etc. That way, you know exactly how to perfectly fit with your drink with your risk to make sure everything is cosmically aligned (see, I told you this was fucking crazy. You should have believed me). Without further ado, the perfect alcohol to pair with your wager:

⛏ Spreads

Old reliable. Spreads are the first thing everyone thinks of when it comes to sports gambling, and they’re pretty much standard practice for a seasoned bettor. It’s also the most common form of wager, and you’ll fit right in with all the other normies at the sports book (I kid, I generally bet spreads myself). And what better drink to go with it than a nice American lager. A Budweiser or Bud Light (feel free to pay me for the promotion AB InBev) is as traditional and American as apple pie or baseball or, well, sports gambling. A few crisp cold ones will pair perfectly with your standard gamling fare.

⛏ Money Lines

Betting money lines is, oddly, both a bit more normal and less normal than betting the spread. On the one hand, everyone starts out as a fan where the score of the game, not the spread, is what matters (remember those good old days?). On the other hand, it’s also not the first bet people gravitate towards because it requires an understanding of odds and how payouts adjust. As advertised, both more and less normal. So what fits with this kind of bet? Malt liquor, baby! We all remember those days in college when we drank 40s of Colt or Steel Reserve because they were super cheap and it was kind of fun to play Edward 40 Hands once, but pretty much everyone grew out of it after that. Malt liquor 40s are a reminder of the good old days, while also being just different enough (in a bad way) from beer to be abnormal. 

⛏ Low Return Money Lines

You like safety. Sure, betting $10 to win $2 on a -500 money line isn’t going to make anyone rich, but you don’t care because you’re about as risk averse as my 83 year old grandma. And, honestly, good for you. If you can have fun with that level of return then you’re a better person than I am. I need some serious fear of financial strain to get my blood flowing at this point. And what pairs better with a low risk bet than a low risk drink. Specifically, a drink without any alcohol at all. If you aren’t willing to embrace some danger in your gambling, you probably aren’t all that interested in wading into the murky waters of alcohol and the potential fun/stupidity that accompanies it. Grab yourself a nice 6 pack of Heineken 0 (again, fully willing to promote for money if you’re reading this) and have a nice, boring day.

⛏ Totals - Over

I knew I had to make a category for betting totals here, but then I realized that the over and the under are completely different animals. For that reason, they also require completely different drinks. Overs are fun. You get to sit there and root for everyone, hoping to see as much excitement as possible. Sometimes things end poorly, but it will never be for a lack of effort on your part. While it might be a bit cruel, no drink fits better with that attitude than some classic 4 Loko. For those of you old enough to have drank these, they’re basically crack in a 16-Oz can, and not in a good way. But HO-LEE-SHIT will you have a fun night drinking them between the alcohol and caffeine. No drink better fits the positive attitude of the over like a bunch of alcohol mixed with some uppers to keep you going strong.

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Ignore

⛏ Totals - Under

Sad. You are a sad human who doesn’t enjoy happiness or puppies, so you get the same in your alcohol. And nothing is less enjoyable than sitting around drinking bitters. Bartenders who think highly of themselves will tell you these drinks are too sophisticated for the common man’s palate, but that’s a load of horseshit. They are nasty and unapproachable, and I dare you to try spending a night drinking fernet or any other bitter (I’ve done it with my brother, who is a snooty bartender, and it was not fun). But you deserve no better, with your under wager. Go sit in the corner and feel shame!

⛏ Alternate Lines

As the name aptly suggests, you just like to be different. Sure, the board already gives you a spread and a money line, but you buy those two extra points because you need to get to the exact number you like. And what fits better with an odd and unapproachable betting style like a drink that will confuse the people around you - mead. For those of you who don’t even know what mead is (which means I’ve done my job well), it’s a drink created by fermenting honey that’s often compared to wine. To most people’s surprise larger liquor stores generally have a tiny section of mead, which has grown enough in popularity in the last decade to make it onto shelves. That said, it’s also not something you ever expect to see someone drink, and it would be a strange choice to break one out for a game with your friends. But you’ve already rung that bell with your alternate spread wager, so you might as well lean into the identity.

⛏ Props

Props are a great way to show that you are an experienced gambler and a dedicated fan. You have to have both an intimate knowledge of books and odds, while also knowing enough about the game to evaluate obscure statistical probabilities. You know whether to bet over 2.5 rebounds for the bench PF or under 1.5 yards for the longest touchdown because you can make reasoned decisions about information that most people would breeze over as irrelevant. It’s a bit of an odd way to gamble (and it’s when you know you’ve truly reached the depths of the sports book underworld), but it tends to be a good way to make money as well. For you, the drink of choice should be your mixed drink of choice. A manhattan, something fancy from the bartender’s specials, or even a bloody mary if that’s your thing. With your knowledge of sports and gambling, you have earned the right to traverse the world of alcohol and indulge in the sophisticated artistry of mixology. Be careful, though; much like the danger of betting obscure props can come back to bite you, so too can a poorly executed mixed drink which requires a delicate balance of knowledge and skill.

⛏ Teasers

People who bet teasers are an odd breed. Quite honestly, it has never once crossed my mind to bet a teaser, and I think you have to be a little off in the head to make this your go to gambling style. You do you, but I’m also going to judge you for it. And, for you, the unbalanced gambler, I will pair this wager with the most odd of drinks; the white russian. Milk and Vodka is just an unnatural combination, and the drink almost went extinct before the quixotic Big Lebowski character “The Dude” brought it back to prominence. If you’ve seen the movie you’re aware that, while funny, he’s probably not the person you want to be compared to. But a strange bet calls for a strange drink, so break out the vodka and whole milk for a perfectly strange night.

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⛏ Parlays

Long Island Iced Tea… do I need to say more? OK, I might as well. Parlays are a lot of fun, but, statistically, a terrible idea. You’re throwing a bunch of bets in together to raise the stakes but increase the likelihood that something bad is going to happen. So, yeah, nothing in this entire article fits better than a long island iced tea and a parlay. That’s like PB&J, but for absolute degenerates.

⛏ Only Promos

I get it, those boosts are nice and they give you some extra value every once in a while. But guess what? There’s a reason the book is giving that value to you, and it’s not because they want to share their money. So you get the pleasure of no specific drink. Watching the big game at home? Stroll into the liquor store and buy whatever old wine they haven’t been able to sell for 12 months with a 50% off tag. Going to the bar? Take whatever half priced tap or weird drink special they have. When you grow up and start making grown up decisions for yourself on the gambling board, you’ll be allowed to make grown up decisions for your alcohol.

⛏ High Money Bets

Every once in a while, Bleacher Report or some other sports page will highlight a massive wager for 100k or more that came in on a game. We all “ooh” and “ahh” at the potential payout, but the person making the bet probably has enough money to not care. When you’re rich, life is easy. And for that person, the obvious fit is a ridiculous bottle of wine (not very clever, I know, but it fits). When you’re willing to potentially lose 6 figures on a bet, you’re also probably more than happy to drop a grand on a bottle of alcoholic grape juice just because you can. Enjoy your fancy life with all the trappings and comfort that come with it (I may be snarky, but it’s mostly out of jealousy. Being rich sounds awesome).

#GamblingTwiitter one of the may reasons to get on @DimersCom discord. First day back on soccer, 5/5 up 4.4 units https://t.co/JPsh7zudN6 pic.twitter.com/SPaGRikjAa

— Prospector Sam ⛏️ (@prospector_sam) July 28, 2021

⛏ Live Bets

Impulsive and dangerous are the first two words that come to mind when I think of live gambling. More often than not, a person live gambling is down money and looking desperately to claw their way back. That SCREAMS tequila shots. Bad decisions have already been made, but you’re not willing to give up yet and are ready to advance to the next terrible step of degeneracy. Throw down a live bet and a couple of tequila shots, and you’ll be well on your way to some truly regrettable decisions.

⛏ Futures

Your bet isn’t going to cash or miss for 6 months. You should not be drinking for that long, bud. And, if you were going to, maybe go get some help.

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