Prospector Sam's New Year's Resolutions

New Year, New Me! Yea, not a fucking chance. I’m still going to be the same degenerate in 2022 as I was in 2021 and I will be in perpetuity until I lose all of my money or until a rock hits my head so hard that the brain injury alters my very being (at which point, I’m probably dead anyways). And, just like I don’t spend much time worrying about the New Year I also spend very little effort thinking about New Year’s Resolutions because I’m pretty content with what I’ve got going on and I know better than to expect some grand life overhaul because the last number in my calendar is now a 2 instead of a 1. But, given that we’re all in the same gambling boat together and we all want to improve so that we put more cash in our pockets and less in the book, now is a good time to look at some ways we can all do better as gamblers.

So, without further ado, some “Gambler’s New Year’s Resolutions” for us to ponder for the new year:

Prospector Sam is proudly brought to you by BetMGM where you can throw down $10 and win $200 if there's just a single touchdown in the game you bet on.

1. Think before you shoot

Great for gun safety, and for gamblers! Too often the impulse to make a bet comes and, rather than taking a step back to consider the value, we reflexively put our money down. You may be chasing losses, tailing somebody who claims to be the Gandhi of gambling (that analogy has value, but I’m not exactly sure how it spins), or you’re just bored and want to bet on a game. One of the easiest ways to lose money is to put down bets that aren’t well reasoned, and avoiding that should be a priority.

2. Don’t drink and gamble

More dangerous than drinking and driving? Probably not, but still a good way to end up in metaphorical jail. When you drink, you are 100% not thinking straight and you are liable to do stupid things. It’s fun, and I love getting shit canned as much as the next cartoon, but you should put away the bets until after you sober up. Only thing worse than a crippling hangover is a crippling hangover with some lost money to go along with it.

3. Be happy for people when they win

This one is easy and costs you nothing. When other people hit big slips, you should enjoy it. There is absolutely zero fucking harm to you and we all benefit when the book has to bend over and take a big loss (for a Catholic School-style spanking, get your head out of the gutter). When somebody makes it big, give them a pat on the back then try to do it yourself instead of wasting energy on trying to point out how lucky they were or what other bets they’ve lost.

4. Don’t parlay

I’ve explained this enough. I also love me a good lotto ticket parlay, but don’t do it. Just don’t. Stop. Never again.

5. t’s not the size of the wave, it’s the motion of the ocean

More quasi sexual jokes? Sure, why not. Gambling is about winning, not about how big your units are. Showing off your big wins is great, but not everybody has (or should) throw thousands on each bet. Focus on using your money effectively rather than how much the payout is. Plus the sex is way better (wait, I think I got lost there, oh well).

6. Follow Dimers and Prospector Sam and give us all your money

Shameless plug? Yup, don’t care. Dimers is the biggest, baddest, sexiest (just look at those algorithms and try not to get aroused) free tool out there and I’m the best cartoon gambling sonofabitch this side of the Mississippi (based on whichever side you’re currently on). You should be following us religiously and showering me with cash so that I can stop working my day job forever.

7. Do what works for you

Every cult leader ever has told people that they have the key to success or enlightenment or whatever the hell else they’re selling to get you to drink the Kool Aid. Guess what? There is no “right way” to gamble, just like there’s no right way to skin a cat (this is not an endorsement of skinning cats, please do not). If you like doing everything on your own, that’s great. If you like tailing people or using a range of ideas to formulate an approach then that’s cool too. Find your sweet spot and use it to win some money.

8. Build a Bridge and get the fuck over it

Do not dwell on losses. This is gambling, you’re going to lose and if you hold onto it then you’re going to make mistakes. I try not to cross over into quotes or weird analogies much, but Tiger was famous for saying he always put the last hole behind him whether it was an Eagle or a Double Bogey. Use your loss to learn, but don’t dwell on it.

9. Stop betting on [insert obscure sport]

I don’t care what your reasoning is, throwing money on Russian Ping Pong or Jai Alai or competitive goldfish dancing means you have a problem.

10. Go back to School

It could be a new sport, a new approach, a new lucky shirt to wear, whatever. You can ALWAYS be better at gambling. If you think you’ve got it figured out, you’re wrong, and there are more tricks to pick up. So, rather than keeping your head down and plugging away, take the time to get acquainted with something different.

11. HAVE FUN

Seriously, this is a lazy cliche and adds nothing, but you should not be miserable while you’re gambling. Aside from the very small number of people who do this for a living, gambling is a hobby/side hustle that you should enjoy doing. If you don’t, the returns from the stock market are probably way fucking better so go put your money there. Most of us got here because we enjoy sports and betting, make sure you don’t lose that along the way.